KINGSTON, JAMAICA
By CHRIS BUNTING
July 19, 2012 —
H O T E L
Fun fact:
The first all-inclusive resort was born in Jamaica. But if you’re the type who
thinks it should’ve been aborted in utero (struck out at Hedonism II, much?),
Kingston, the infamous good weather ghetto / opposite-of-touristy capital of
Jamaica, has simpler accommodations. Take the Courtleigh, e.g., in the
city's “financial district”—the Lucky Pierre in a Hilton/Pegasus hotel samich.
You're only a halfy from the airport, the staff is uncharacteristically (for the
area) cheerful and rooms are sleek and flatscreen-TV'd. Decent resto on-site,
too. From $195/night.
Web: courtleigh.com
1 0 T H I N G S T O K N O W
Getting
there?
Two things, real quick: 1) Kingston's airport—Norman Manley—was not
named after a gay porn star (or so they insist). And 2) It's not accessible from
Texas in nonstop fashion. Count on easy connections in Florida and the like.
What’s
the national drink?
Hooray beer, my ass—it’s totally rum. Speaking of, liplock with a bottle of
Wray & Nephew hooch. It clocks in at around 180 proof.
What’s
the money sitch?
Greenbacks, thank you nicely, are welcome. But if you wanna exchange, one
Jamaican dollar (J$) is literally worth about a penny, so just nudge those
decimal points two spots over in your brain to ballpark prices.
Is “Cool
Runnings” a true story?
Kinda, sorta. Jamaica was the first tropical country to freeze their
nay-nays off in the Winter Olympics back in '88.
Do they
speak-a the English?
Patois first (a Frankentongue equal parts English and African), but regular
old boring English is definitely a go. Jamaica was a British colony up until
1962 (sorry: you juuuust missed the big 50th
anniversary of them tossing out those limey bastards—it was the first Anglo
Caribbean island to do so).
Speaking
of festivals...?
The summer fun has pretty much wound down but if you find yourself on the
island in late September/October there's the
Falmouth Blue Marlin Tournament
and
Port Antonio International Fishing Tournament.
The Caribbean Music Expo is a Rocktoberish fest worth a drop-by; ditto the Stir
It Up Film and Music Festival in September.
Drive
time?
As always in the Carib, chauffeuring yourself around is sketch at best (left
side, btw). If you must rent, plan on slapping down crazy monies on security
deposits and the like. A better op is the bus system running between Kingston
and other major areas like Ocho Rios and MoBay multiple times a day from
downtown stops for around $20. Taxis can be pricey, and also scary—make sure it
has red plates; those are at least licensed and quasi-legit.
Nude
beaches, yeah?
Hells yeah, all over the place—Breezes Rio Bueno and Super Fun have
mandatory nekkid beaches, Hedonism II, Couples San Souci, Couples Tower Isle and
others have clothing-optional ones, all ensuring a very busy instagram account
when you get home.
Any
places to avoid?
The west side's slummier hoods of Six Miles and Riverton City aren't all
that fun, and neither is any warzone Spanish Town Road cuts through in the south
of Kingston. Stick to the waterfronted business district (the U.N. has a
presence here) and New Kingston (up north).
Am I
going to get murdered?
Probably not*…? True, Kingston has one of the highest murder rates in the
world: it took the gold in 2005 with 1,674—a rate of 58 murders for every
100,000 people. Good news, though, there were only 1,428 in 2010! Hey, people
get bumped off in Milwaukee, too, so, whatever.
* Not a money-back guarantee!
1 1 T H I N G S T O D O
BIKING
The highest you can get in Jamaica, non-weed-wise, is up in them there
Blue Moutains, just north of Kingston—the headliner, Blue Mountain Peak,
skyscrapes at a good 7,402 feet. So now what? Coffee and nature? Uh, schmoffee
and schmature. Screw the generic guide book bullocks and explore the area by
bike. Windy, trusty trails, an ever-present mist that gives the place its name,
birders to run over—good times, ya'll. Hit up Blue Mountain Bicycle Tours—they'll
drive you up, you coast on down. All-day tours (9 a.m.-4:30 p.m.) from Kingston
are $98/person.
Address: 121 Main St., Ocho Rios (they'll pick you up in Kingston)
Web: bmtoursja.com
MUSEUM
At the Bob Marley Museum, life imitating art means sparking up a
fatty sand taking in all things Rastafarian and, musically, amazeballs. Books,
films, articles, not to mention a pretty sexy mural courtesy of fellow Jamaican
singer Jah Bobby, memorabiliaze Marley's very red, very yellow, very green
studio-turned-attraction.
Address: 56 Hope Rd., Kingston
Web: bobmarley-foundation.com
MUNCHIES
For whatever reason, Chinese food kicks ridiculous ass in the Caribbean
(supposedly Chinese workers who built the railroads in the U.S. were discarded
on various islands back in the day, but that’s another story). Try for yourself
at the—although mall-based, very un-Panda Expressy—Jade Garden.
Nothing too weirdo-fusion here, just your typical suspects like sweet and sour
pork, chow mein and dim sum.
Address: Sovereign Centre, 106 Hope Rd, Kingston
Web: N/A
RAFTING
Jamaica is river city, dontcha know. You want mellow? Hit up the bamboo
rafting pros at River Raft Ltd. (dude stands up on it, paddles—it’s a
trip) to take you leisurely down 3 miles of the Martha Brae river near MoBay on
one of their 30-footers for $45. Chuck Norris and Spike Lee both have—‘nuff
said. If that’s too much of a yawner (better hope Chuck didn’t hear you),
Caliche Rainforest will shoot you down the rapids of the Great River (near
Ocho Rios) on inflatables. It’s 4-5 hours of a solidly bump-and-grinding Grade
IV for $90.
Address: 66 Claude Clark Ave., MoBay / Caliche will pick you up at your
hotel
Web: jamaicarafting.com / whitewaterraftingmontegobay.com
BATHE
From flip-flop blisters to bar fight stab wounds, life in Kingston can be an
adventure. Rest your bones inside the cure-all saline springs at Rockfort
Mineral Bath at the base of Long Mountain. Open bright and early at 7 a.m.,
it’s allegedly full of “good radioactivity,” so you’re welcome, newest member of
The Avengers.
Address: East Kingston
Web: N/A
MUNCHIES
If you’ve ever seen a jazz musician, you know they can eat. Fittingly,
photos of legends like Billie Holiday to Louis Armstrong adorn the walls of
Redbones the Blues Café, while live music, foreign film screenings and
poetry readings help you digest big sloppy dishes of shrimp pasta and dripping
lobster tail.
Address: 1 Argyle Road, Kingston
Web: redbonesbluescafe.com
HORSIES
Measure your fuel efficiency in miles-per-carrot at Chukka Caribbean
Adventures. From $65 for kids, $93 for adults, rent a horse for 2.5 hours,
galloping on land and, better yet, in the sea on a private beach, rain or shine.
Tours are offered in Ocho Rios, MoBay and Falmouth alike.
Address: Llandovery, St. Ann’s Bay
Web: chukkacaribbean.com
CAVES
Can't quite remember which cave nearly keelhauled Anthony Bourdain when he
was screwing around out here, but at Green Grotto Caves—a bit of a trek
out to the north coast of the island, just west of Ocho Rios—you'll be fine.
Enjoy healthy servings of stalactites, stalagmites and the fruit-eating bats
that know the difference. Hard hat required; admission is about 10 bucks.
Address: Discovery Bay
Web:
greengrottocavesja.com
MUNCHIES
Jerkin' it in Jamaica never felt so good. Only 3 years old, the pan-island
Jerk Trail now has two dozen stops along the way where you can sample its
native, slave-inspired, BBQ- and spice-happy cuisine. Begin your journey at Jo
Jo’s Pork Pit in Kingston. The map below will lead you from there.
Address: Island-wide
Web: visitjamaica.com/jerk
CLUBBING
In the center of the city, there’s, count ‘em, four levels of dance, dance
revolutionizing at Quad—an A/C-pumping nightclub sporting Jazz, reggae,
soca, even go-go dancers. Load up on Red Bull, it’s open till 3 a.m. Minimal
door fee.
Address: Trinidad Terrace, Kingston
Web: N/A
MUNCHIES
You’ll find a couple of Norma’s on the this and Norma’s on the
that restaurants around these parts, but it’s the verantastic Norma’s on
the Terrace venue that the island’s sadly gone but not forgotten hashslinger-in-chief,
Norma Shirley, made her name. Onsite at the estate of Jamaica’s first
millionaire, Devon House, you’ll be rinse-repeating pork chop chomps and
Red Stripe swigs all day long. R.I.P. Norma!
Address: 26 Hope Road, Kingston
Web: devonhousejamaica.com